Here they are:

We are so happy! This is what we have been planning for the last seven months. This is what I hoped to see again when I found out our baby had stopped developing last September. I always knew I would become pregnant again. That isn't our problem. If you've lost track, this is my 12th pregnancy (13th baby). I have carried 3 out of 11 pregnancies, which is about a 27% success rate. No one was ever able to tell us why I miscarry so often. I desperately want to be optimistic, and I already love this baby so much. He or she is wanted by all of us.

We waited 3 full cycles before trying again, even though my doctor said 1 would be enough. I couldn't believe it when I ovulated around day 14/15. I can't help but make the correlation that all of our children were conceived during cycles that I thought we had missed. I had ovulated early (on time, really). My losses occurred after cycles when I ovulated later (days 18-20). There might not be a connection, but I want to believe it. I also had a positive test very early. I was only 8-9 DPO. The four tests shown above were taken in a 48-hour time frame!

All we can do is wait. I have an appointment on Friday. I will be just 4w3d, so obviously it's too early for an ultrasound. That will happen in about two weeks. We are just praying to make it that far so we can see a heartbeat. This baby is due on September 25, which would place us around September 18 because of the need for a scheduled c-section. That's close to our anniversary and Micah's birthday. It would be nice if he could finally share a birthday with someone in the family! The rest of us (yes, all 5) have May birthdays!

Today was my first appointment (4w3d). I was very surprised when my doctor wanted to do a quick sono. I figured it was too early to see anything, except maybe some thickening of the endometrium (oh, the research I've done in the last decade). He saw something in my uterus, which confirmed the presence of a pregnancy there. He left the still shot on the screen, so I snapped a quick picture with my cell phone on the way out!

Just to be sure, I asked if this was consistent with what we'd see at 4 1/2 weeks, and he said it was. He told me to come back in one week for a repeat sono. That appointment will put me at 5w3d. I was given lab slips to have quants today and on Monday.

I can't help but have a very good feeling about this baby. The kids have already decided that it's a boy! We told them a while ago that Noah was one of our name choices for a boy. Now, they keep talking about their little brother Noah. Will spotted a shirt with The Very Hungry Caterpillar on it (that's one of his favorite books). He said it was too small for him, but we still needed to buy it for baby Noah. They have all been praying that everything works out. I have been praying to St. Gerard and St. Catherine of Siena.

I will update again after my next appointment!

I have been experiencing so much anxiety today, but I know I need to take this one step at a time. I went to the lab very early today. They told me the results would be in this afternoon. I called my OB, and they didn't even have Friday's results yet. They said they wouldn't be in until tomorrow. I know one day doesn't make much of a difference, but I didn't realize until this morning just how nervous I was about going through quants again. I prepared myself to wait until tomorrow. I was shocked when a nurse called me around 1:00!

Friday's level was 294. Today it was "in the 900s" (apparently, she didn't have the exact number in front of her). I had bookmarked a calculator for HCG levels, and here are the stats based on an even 900 today:

The blood work was enough to convince my doctor to prescribe prometrium today! I will be taking it twice daily.

The highest quant I ever had with an angel baby was around 1300, so I don't feel out of the woods just yet. I keep telling myself that if all goes well, we should be able to see a heartbeat just over one week from now. We're getting there!

I finally believe this is happening!

I only expected to see a gestational sac today. We saw the sac, yolk sac and a fetal pole! The machine the dr. was using only did measurements for 6 weeks and more, so I wasn't able to get a date. She said everything looked perfect for 5w3d though, and even congratulated me!

When the ultrasound first started, I was a little startled because I thought we were looking at twins! As it turns out, I have a subchorionic bleed. They will keep an eye on it, but I'm not worried. There's only a 1% - 3% chance of losing the pregnancy, and we have dealt with far more serious odds through the years!

Micah is so happy. He was anxiously sitting in the waiting room. I asked about my next appointment, and was told that I don't need to go back for 3 weeks. I was kind of disappointed, since we won't see a heartbeat before that time. We will have to be patient!

We have been talking about names. We have decided on Noah Christopher or Ashley Grace.

I feel like we're in limbo again. I should start by explaining that my ultrasound on Friday was very rushed. The doctor probably spent about 10 - 15 seconds total. She waved her finger at the screen, saying that she could see a yolk sac and fetal pole. I had to stop her to ask about the looming black spot next to the gestational sac. She said it was a subchorionic bleed. I don't think she was even going to tell me until I asked. That left me with a very unsettling feeling all weekend, but the idea that she saw the fetal pole reassured me.

This morning, I had some mild cramping. I wasn't sure if my uterus was growing, or if it had something to do with the subchorionic bleed. I called my OB, and they had me come in right away. I met with another doctor, who performed an ultrasound. She was having trouble finding the sac at all, and kept waving the probe around. She made a remark that her skills with ultrasound weren't great, which really confused me. She was about to give up, when the sac appeared. She zoomed in, and I started to breathe a sigh of relief. Then, she told me that all she could see inside was a yolk sac. Otherwise, everything looked normal. How could a fetal pole appear and then disappear in just 3 days, even if I was miscarrying? She ordered a quant, and I walked out feeling very sad and confused.

They ordered my lab stat, but I quickly resigned myself to the idea that we were having another loss. This process was all too familiar for me. I didn't have time to cry because I had an appointment to tour Will's new preschool right after I went to the lab.

One week ago today, my HCG level was in the 900s. When I did the math, I knew it needed to be around 7000 - 8000 today. I did not expect to hear that, though. The phone eventually rang, and the doctor said my result was 13,000. Enter the calculator again:

I started worrying that the prometrium is causing my numbers to rise. If it's keeping my progesterone level from dropping the way it would with an impending miscarriage, maybe it tricked my body into rising HCG. That probably doesn't make sense, but I am afraid to get optimistic. I don't want to suffer another devastating blow.

They wanted me to come back for another sono on Friday; 6W3D. We should definitely see a heartbeat by then. At least I will know one way or another before this week is over. They were overbooked, so they're sending me to a diagnostic facility. That means I will have a silent ultrasound with a technician who can't tell me anything. The thought of that makes my heart pound in my chest. I am praying for a sympathetic tech who will at least let me look at the screen, even if they can't say anything.

We are all praying for a miracle.

One day down, and three to go. It is going to be a long week. My outlook on this situation is constantly changing. I keep remembering that we went through this with William (read about that here). I keep thinking about that high quant. I keep praying. I have the same level of anxiety that I experienced when my symptoms disappeared the first time I was pregnant. That was almost ten years ago, but it still stings. It doesn't get easier.

You don't love or want a baby less just because two, three, or even four babies came before them. The only discernible difference is the loss of innocence; the blissful ignorance of early pregnancy. You don't think about creative ways to present a positive pregnancy test to your husband when you've already informed him of twelve pregnancies. You become fearfully silent, feeling like fish out of water until that tiny, rhythmic flicker appears on a monochrome screen. You know that most of the time, it doesn't. You lower your expectations. You don't admit your feelings of doubt and worry until the worst has been confirmed. And then, it's an entirely different rush of emotion. The physical pain is diminutive as grief sets in. All you can think of is that baby, objectively human and aware that they've lost a chance at life. You desperately want them to know that they were loved.

I don't want to go back there again. It's just three days of waiting, but it feels like a month. Thankfully, Micah will be able to go with me. William will be at school, so it will be just us (and Lily).